Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
He toold me that when we were younger I was his boner buddy.
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
She needs to learn what's it like to have sex with someone and regret it the next day.
We'll see haha. The cum didn't work...I just chewed the whole thing in a day.
I hope you meant gum...
Just woke up. My philosophy paper is a play, and my paper for musical theater is about physics. That's some dank shit you sold me
Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
I sat alone in Buffalo Wild Wings eating chocolate cake on Country Western karoake night. The waiter asked me if I was ok. Twice.
I don't know why people felt they couldn't use the toilet with me passed out in the tub. I shut the curtain. It was like being in another room.
We are going to get high as balls and watch netflix
THIS IS WHAT BEING AN ADULT LOOKS LIKE
I told this guy in the dining hall that he's a hippie god and he's never made eating yogurt so sexy
You're not gonna like every guy whose dick I put in my mouth
You had sex with a kid to spare him the shame of being a virgin. Evidence is on my side.
she stuffed her marc jacobs purse full of cereal
classy
Hi darlin, what are you doing tonight?
.... Things I will not be proud of
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