I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
Do you like marathons because that's how long I plan on fucking you.
I denied three guys and puked everywhere because I love you.
are you sure you're not interested? he's the dunkin donuts employee of the month.
Yeah I had to push her down the hallway to the hotel room in a luggage carrier. The guy at the desk told me goodluck
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
But mostly the blowjob in the airport bathroom was what I was laughing at.
Im gunna just be that one ballerina in the low V leopard thong leotard and everyone else can be boring and prude with their little pink tights on.
I've had more jaegerbombs than I can count on 3 fingers
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
AND I woke up to eggs in my bra. Thanks Taco Cabana...
Remember when I made out with that stranger at the bar on my 21 in chicago? I wonder how he's doing
Philosophical question for you: is it better to go into work slightly drunk or slightly coked out?
i stood outside in the bushes for thirty minutes. Do you know how many drunk guys pee in bushes at 2 am?
I don't even remember what dignity looks like anymore. I JUST WANTED TO ROAST SOME POTATOES
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