your parents love me but you hate me
fyi, take the long route to the library. the "can i be your baby daddy?" homeless man migrated back for winter
What was your penis's nickname in high school? Also, what was it's theme song?
You had a towel around you and you called it your shot bib.
Note to self: last nights makeup does NOT, under ANY circumstances, look good today.
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
Fried chicken is a must. Do strippers eat fried chicken or should I plan on something else?
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
Just bc you put "its cute" at the end of it doesn't change the fact that u have called me a vag twice this morning and its only 10:03
The paramedics said she just kept whispering "I just wanted to party"
He was the only one not on Xanax so he holds the key to what actually happened last night
I'm currently sitting at your kitchen table eating chicken nuggets that I dug out of the trash and thinking about how much I need to get laid.
I'm taking a shower and i'm gonna bring my pocketknife with me
Your aunt just offered to blow me for a ride home....how did you end up such a prude?
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
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