You know that restaurant that is like over by home depot?
That shitty one? I heard the food sucks there
It's my parent's restaurant
Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
In their defense you were hugging a watermelon for a good portion of the trip
Pretty sure my body is in shock, I shouldn't feel this ok after last nite.
I'm beginning to think the entirety of my appeal is due to the size of my ass.
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
I'm not taking advice from anyone I've seen passed out naked at noon on the hood of a strangers car. Meaning you.
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
you're hired as official boob wrangler
my extended weekend of being as irresponsible as possible started with blowing the bartender in the bar bathroom. off to a good start.
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
I'm trying to secure Christmas dick. Idgaf if he has strep or not.
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
we found her. shes in the bathtub full of raw pasta. i dont even know...
Randomize
