new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
I just saw a guy wearing a tuxedo shirt under his overalls. That is true iowa class right there
thankjk goddddn taco bell uis open htis lateee!
you do know it's eleven in the afternoon, right?
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
he tried to do a one handed cartwheel to showoff but knocked himself out cold. fuckin jagerbombs will kill that man.
Survival tip #3: while you're hooking up with him, don't say he reminds you of his brother
Note to self... Do not stick your head in a can of paint and try to paint the walls green with your hair
How bad would it be to ask my maintenance man for new blinds because the dude puked on those too?
My liver is whispering mean things about me to my kidneys. It's a fucking miracle I'm not hungover. Lol
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
This is the best thing we've done since that time we started a religion
MUFFINS DON'T MAKE YOU ORGASM MULTIPLE TIMES OR HAVE ROCK HARD MUSCLES.
I wrote notes to myself all over my body. "don't yell at cops again" "Cody stole your phone" "you kissed Cody" "vodka shots are bad for your liver" and "cactus pretty" WTF????
"You can have sex in my class, just stay quiet. I don't like noise." My professor... Shall make for an interesting semester.
I just watched your fat stupid son get hit by a Prius. Ran right in front of it. He's all right . But... Maybe you should have taught him to look both ways like a responsible parent does.
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