In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
so i realized that everyone figured out i was a slut before i did. then i realized that no one felt like telling me. sometimes i think you just keep me around for entertainment.
you're right.
worst hand job ever. my dick is about as raw as that sushi your mom wanted me to try.
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
My doctor literally wrote on the script NO SEX
He just ordered a bottle of Beam at an Italian place for us to share.
almost getting arrested is turning into fucking this cop in his ex wife's lawn. see you tomorrow
Just pissed in my own closet. Had no idea adult dinner parties could he so awesome.
I'm silent, like a masturbating ninja.
Today is my 3 year wedding anniversary...and I've seen three different dicks.
Totally just made a post sex emergency cupcake run. My life is awesome.
Im part way to drunk.
Your uterus is safe from my father's misconstrued prophecies.
We banged in his car behind the burrito place. Google Maps keeps asking me to rate my visit. 5/5, would cum again.
ps why does my dog smell like popcorn and a dryer sheet..?
Randomize
