remember tomorrow: you burned the inside of your nose with incense. it hurt.
She was so happy she found her sunglasses, that she blew me. Im now randomly hiding things of hers in hopes she'll find them and I'll get a repeat performance.
Anyways, i'm off to play with a rubber dick and a ouija board with two other girls...
All I've eaten today is cookie dough, pecan pie and three shots of jack. Finals week here I come.
Wanna hang out? my DILF had to dip out for his sons little league game
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
I'm taking tokes in the bath tub, come if you want, I'm naked and you have to bring chicken nuggets or else you can't come in
How bad would it be if I asked him for my "ho ho ho" thong back? They're my fav christmas pair!
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
Can we go to the gas station to get cigarettes before we get drunk. It's hard enough to say Marlboro sober.
For a guy who came before his dick was out of his pants, he gave surprisingly good head.
You know it was a good night when you wake up w/o a shirt in someone elses living room next to a pancake on a spoon in a bowl of spaghetti.
I'm pretty sure I regained my virginity last night
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
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