we went to that german restaurant and drank out of the boots. Then I threw up into one
as I was walking out the door her and her roommate started singing "toot it and boot it".. I'm in love
she's lying on the floor with a bottle of vodka, belting shakira. plz advise.
I'm not drinking cause I'm like 4 vodkas away from a boom box and Peter Gabriel.
I am far too hungover to deal with the fact I can hear you masturbating in the bathroom.
Its the least I can do really, I mean, I did sleep with her husband...
I had him autograph the condom wrapper.
I just spent my entire state tax return on sex toys
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
Then that is decided. Fuck away my little bunny rabbit.
Blood work from physical was all good, apparently heavy alcohol use agrees with me
I miss forts and drugs that made me believe in unicorns...
I feel as if I need Plan B just being in the same room as them for more than 5 minutes.
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
Like seriously, I would not be going if there wasn't pizza
Randomize
