i told my doctor i had 3 partners and one unprotected.. shes a cute little indian lady i couldnt break her heart
we just toasted to your mouth on alex's balls at the bar
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
My chemistry professor just asked me if I ever found a ride home from the bar last Saturday
I think he just gave me the 'I used to sleep with your sister' discount
He fell off the roof... he clearly has not been preparing for summer.
If I come back tomorrow to find a certain football player tied up and locked in your closet, shit's gonna get real.
I'll set him free tomorrow morning ;)
And the cockring thing wasn't sexual.
i told him I'd let him eat part of a weed cookie out of my cleavage, so he pulled over like a gentleman.
Saying someone's good at giving head is like saying someone is good at pouring juice like there is that one girl who will spill it everywhere but for the most part it's not that hard to be good at
Last night you texted me "tqiirkykbg doe freedom always"... why?
I think were only still together so we can make each other miserable
Life if anyone rolls up to my funeral with shitty weed get them out of there
I don't want to be drunk any more. Can you hit the off switch?
I am confused/concerned about the circumstances that led to your consumption of 3 beta fish last night.
Randomize
