I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
dude sorry about putting my finger in your butt last nite i was wasted and thought it was mine
Don't interrupt me, I have a limited time to be high and thus be remarkably good at Pac Man
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
She compared sex to doing dishes."You scrub them until they're wet."
Being back home for the summer opens up so many opportunities to have sex without increasing my number
She just sent me videos of her blowing my little bro and my best friend... worst. ex. ever.
I may or may not go. send a pic of a nipple so I know how much fun you're having
You looked up at me and said "I'm getting a mattress made out of this SHIT. Goodbye certa hellllllllo concrete!" then you started counting sheep
Just like to put it out there it's surprising how little reception a dog cage has
Good, be his mentor. Like a tiny gay Yoda.
You wanna come over?
Too high to be booty called. My cereal is growing hair.
Well I hate to admit it but at this point I can successfully say i have been pee'd on by both of my roommates.
Only I could dislocate my ribcage coaching volleyball and still want to get drunk tonight.
Randomize
