2:45a: Any chance you got 3000 bucks on you?
just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
So you honestly dont remember putting honey in your bong? You kept talking about how you wanted to become a bee and fly
Just smoked out of an apple with Steve Jobs. I love Halloween.
As added birth control I warned him that if he knocked me up tonight I would name the baby Truck.
Were making Christian mingle accounts. First one to get laid doesn't pay bar tabs for a month.
Challenge accepted. See you in hell.
How much do you charge for your Funyun and beer delivery service?
If you've never yelled, "fuck you ray Lewis" in front of your 87 year old grandfather you haven't lived
exhale infront of a fan. self shotgun.
I think I ejaculated my soul out.
Since I won't be making love with anyone on a bed of roses this year on Sunday I bought a Mustang to fill the gap
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
just stepped out my front door and let the wind dry my naked body because I was too lazy to go search for a clean towel that may not even exist. I could live like this forever
Give me like 5, I have to feed a moose and find my pants.
Randomize
