my grand plan for the evening is to do shots of vodka til i cant anymore
I'm afraid that if I tell my sister I think Zachary Quinto is gay I'll have to put her on suicide watch for the next week or so
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
great! i almost saw a gas station fight, and i believe i became the first person to successfully pee and puke in a bathtub simultaneously
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
DIN'T JUSGE NE.
hope your day is as exciting as mine- one of our trauma patients just stole an ambulance out of our bay... WITH AN EMT STILL IN IT.
I'm a college student and my dad gets more ass than I do..... do you see a problem here?
You know, part of me wants to die and the other part of me doesn't want to live
Just broke my no shot rule again.. Made out with a stranger. That's 0 for 3 this month for the record
I can already feel the hangover I'll be having on New Year's Day. I don't know if I'm prepared for this.
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
They think I fractured my spine while doing your cousin on concrete.
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