Who did Billy Mays play for?
She def said "you had your chance!" after telling me she had a boyfriend. Like a pile of dogshit lecturing me on how I missed out on having itself stuck to the bottom of my shoe.
you know what sucks? talking to chicks you dont want to have sex with
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
Yeah dude I should be out of the ER in about an hr. They gave me vallium. Go tell the captain its time to set sail.
I had a great time except for the part where you called another guy, told him you were in a cab - not on a date - and that you'd meet him at a bar in 15 minutes. but besides that it was awesome. Next time capping you at two glasses of wine
This cabbie knows where I live. Both awesome and weird.
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
Did you take the bag w/your drugs & cookie cutter?
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
Sunday mornings are confusing. Like. I can't decide if I want to go for a run or start drinking
My liver needs me to go back to work asap.
I dont even remember what i was saying but just one minute i was crying and the next i was showing u my genitals
I miss the pre Covid days when we could meet men in bars. Hitting on guys in the grocery store is just depressing
Randomize
