Sorry, I don't speak sober.
Spider just rapelled from her vag rethinking online dating.
just had cupcakes and mountain dew for dinner-now i'm playing super mario brothers. 10 year olds all over the world would kill to be me.
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
Picture this: me driving down 183 throwing up into a towel. I just hit rock bottom.
Just had a tranny complement my outfit. Looks like I'll have to change before we go out.
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
People will say "JOE YOU MUST TURN DOWN" and I will refuse, in the name of liberty.
sidebar: i fucked your brother last night
Blacked-in to me, shirtless, giving myself finger guns in the mirror and rapping "stacks in the club stacks stacks in the club."
I'm not snubbing your weed I just had a really important rack of ribs to get home to
i'm just really offended he didn't want to have breakup sex. like that was the only thing i was really looking forward to
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
I've had more orgasms than showers this week.
you could be the only one getting laid right now....yet your sitting in here making goat noises
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