we were in your room and your mom was singing twinkle twinkle little star in the hallway. so you decided to scream "twinkle? TWINKLE! What Fucking little star?!"
why did u have a candy cane hung on your dick in the first place?
she has a santa fetish
cute.
according to the contents of this bucket, last night i swallowed a whole teabag
Jenna and Ryan are ranting and raving about child custody. MY VASECTOMY SMILES.
He said he had bite marks on his back... Turns out he had to throw me over his shoulder, and I was really reluctant.
She brought a box of chocolates to give the bartender and now he's giving her free shots.. Why didn't we think of that?
He made off the wall shots in beer pong, stuck the girls dog in a cooler, and played with swords with her mom. I wish I got his name
I definitely made out with a high school student last night while his sister and my brother were in the same room. I think we're all traumatized by the situation.
I'm at home, drinking with my cat. While this is an enjoyable lifestyle, other plans are preferable.
Dude imagine how many pictures of dicks Obama gets. That can't be unusual. Almost every kids in the US has written the president a letter.
How was my weekend? I just blew my nose and a gram of coke fell out. My weekend was fantastic.
My mom asked me if I ever go on dates. I had to suppress the urge to ask if having casual sex with a freshmen counts as dating
I was dancing with a blow torch in one hand and a bowl of weed in the other
My dad just said "fuck circus"
Well I didn't spend $7 on an Uber just to get limp dick
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