She was that classic mixture between "Hell no" and "Why the fuck not."
I had the spins so badly it was like I was having sex with 2 girls
I went to pick my brother up downtown and I stopped at a red light a homeless old man comes up knocks on the window shows me his penis and then screams money
I drank it. I drank the beer from '78. I drank my bday beer, I drank my soul
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
WHY ARE THERE SO MANY BURPS IN MY SMALL, INCREDIBLY ATTRACTIVE BODY
How did it feel to just observe all the people blacking out usually you're on the other end of things
I felt like I was at the zoo
Like woke up with a dick piercing kind of drunk.
I wish drunk me came with subtitles
He is a sweet angel sent from dick heaven!
What could go wrong? i could have a mental breakdown with a bottle of champagne hand cuffed to a frat bro
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
Coming straight to your house after the flight. If not in Federal Prison for disobeying peanut laws.
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
It's 7am. I'm sitting on the curb in last nights clothes with a nose bleed and no idea how to get home. Low moment I feel.
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