Oh my god you would drunk register for a marathon.
I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
I hate thxgiving break now because that totally means I'm not able to have sex for a week.
this mix will be the most desperate cry for affection in the history of itunes.
i'll prob lay in bed. its weird not having to track my wallet down, its become such a weekly habit. i suddenly have so much free time
He just texted me from the outside of the hospital. He called the fat broad in the bar mrs snuffleupagus about 60 times and she broke a bottle of blackberry brandy over his head.
I hope you realize that its not me making that decision, but rather the combination of my genitals and sexual orientation
Yeah. I made eggs in a microwave. I think that's an accomplishment this week, MOM.
You know what I realized today? That my biggest regret of freshman year was ditching you and that foam party to have a one night stand with a skinny jean wearing vocal major.
I am concerned for your priorities but also really flattered. Flattery wins
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
No he doesn’t answer my texts except for like on New Year’s Because like I was fucked up on New Year’s and he said happy new year and I told him the same and I called him dragonslayer and you can’t really recover from that
Want to come over and dangle your tits on top of me like a skewer?
What's the blow job-backrub exchange rate these days? I've got some killer stress knots
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
I might be a bit longer... I found a hot guy at the grocery store, so I'm following him and buying stuff that he's buying
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