official worst smell ever. a used condom that has gone through the dryer.
Found out why I didn't have to go drug test. My boss grew pot to pay for grad school.
Put you drinking hat aside for Tuesday. My buddy is bartending!
I just puked in my drinking hat.
NEW RULE: NO INNAPROPRIATE CHOICES THAT INVOLVE GUNS. I LIKE IT. WRITE THAT DOWN.
Life lesson: When you compete in an impromptu "bloody mary chug-off," in the end, no one wins.
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
my life is about to be the like the hunger games except with penises. and im going to win.
Judging by my bruises, I know I took more than one tumble. I probably pulled u down w me, and then punched you in the knee. Been trying to find a place to fix my phone between naps today. Almost no place accepts hand js as currency these days. 2013 is gonna be expensive and whorey.
dude I just found tht weird ass guy u invited last night passed out in my closet.... apparently he "couldn't find the exit"
There is someone out there for you right now. And we will find her. Or him. Her. Her, we'll start with tits.
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
It took 5 bourbons for him to handcuff and spank me and then he cried after sex. The men that like me are so unstable.
I'm not wearing pants, but I'm wearing a tiara.
Another thing to add to the list of things not to do while I'm drunk......explain to the upstairs neighborr how to have quiet orgasams......she now thinks I want to be part of a threesome......fuck my life
How do you confess that you've had phone sex with your fiancé's brother's ex-girlfriend's new guy she's dating who has also slept with your best friend?
Randomize
