I wish my penis had an off switch
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
We have a tower of vodka coming. OF VODKA
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
Well pretty sure I lost 3 of my best friends in one week. Remember when I said I wasn't sure if I was gonna be a better person or a more despicable one in 2012. Despicable wins.
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
Listen I know you hate her for what she did but this is getting our of hand. Please please tell me where you hid her wedding dress.
Nothing is better than seeing someone you fucked go to the Olympics. I feel so American.
Im rolling face in a pizzeria. I want to be with people who love me.
At least your night didn't end with three cops seeing your ass and you sitting on the ground in a wig throwing your shoes at people
We're having play-off hate sex for a sport I don't even understand. Go USA!
I'm trying to arrange "Flawless" to come on as soon as I get up to leave the room after my thesis defense. Bow down bitches indeed.
Like, yea, let's talk sexy but also...LOOK! I SAW A CAT!
Im going to seductively wisper "that butters my biscuit" in your ear
I know she’s pissed I fucked her husband, but I didn’t know he was married until after I blew him at Legoland
Randomize
