happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
I just saw a hobo ride by on a unicycle. Good day.
I feel like I need to get a restraining order against him but I'd probably be the one to break it.
Bombed my 8 a.m. exam and the liquor store doesn't open till noon. Drinking unfinished beers from last night till they open.
I'm going to practice throwing things up the the air and catching them between my boobs, because that seems like a cool party trick.
He's telling everyone that the only reason he's at this party is to hook up with me. SOS HELP.
Im rolling face in a pizzeria. I want to be with people who love me.
hes like bread. how could bread be dangeous
So ive come to the realization that my affinity for tattooed guys makes me the literal definition of tit for tat
Being able to fart in her presence and not be judged is why I pay half the rent.
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
my whole checking account just had a funeral down bourban street, paid for that, and then bought everyone 5 shots of fireball...
I know this sounds fake but she's deep frying a bar of soap right now
Come fucking get her
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
He looks like Aladdin, and that's about all he's got going for him.
Randomize
