im at a bar with my dad last night and he got hit on more that I did
Thanks for not cleaning the drain like you were supposed to. I just vomited in the shower and I had to stand in it until I was done conditioning.
just leaving uw hospital. they thought i had franzia-induced appendicitis. whaaaaat
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
We looked at pictures of a Texas banjo contest from 2006 for a half hour and then were surprised by who won. That stoned.
Oh shut up man. Once the police get involved its every man for themself.
The US State Dept doesn't need to know I'm a high strung drunken whore.
They figured our he was high when he told the manager he wanted a break to go wrap his dick in toliet paper and pretend it was a ghost.
btw you left your chapstick on the nightstand and bruises on my body...
gifts from me to you. you're welcome.
I threw up in my room. And I cleaned it up with a spatula.
You bring me burritos. Of course I text you during sex
So, in keeping with the last two years, are we going to watch the new Hobbit movie on acid again? It's kinda starting to feel like a Christmas tradition.
There is a woman in the stall next to me giving a pep talk to her daughter that wants to call off her wedding. I'm afraid to pee!
you made the house rule that every time you'd say "yay" everyone had to drink.
that explains so much
Last night I had a dream that a man with an ice cream body entered a bicycle throwing contest and won.
Randomize
