I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
you kept screaming i cant feel my vagina, it kinda killed the mood.
as if moving home wasnt embarassing enough, mom picked up my laundry while i was gone. guess who needs to find a new hiding spot for his cum towel..this guy.
Well I woke up with spatula marks on my ass and burns on my hands.
The polish Muslims are throwin paczkis into the crowd and I'm beer 6 before 11 am
I cannot for the life of me remember why I am holding this rabbit.
you have failed as an in class drinking partner.
I drove your lawn mower home. Hope you don't need it tonight. I'll bring it over tomorrow.
Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?
Yeah, that was you
end of the world party next friday. virgin sacrifice. tell me you know someone whos still a virgin
Lube filled water balloons always make for a good time
According to facebook, I opened up a can of whupass on some douche who poured all the vodka on the ground.
You called the wrong number but I salute you.
i may or may not have triedto pee like a boy and then dipped cheese ino the olive oil
You kept trying to make cocktails with my protein powder last night...
Considering we're about to fuck, I really need your girlfriend to stop liking all my Facebook posts.
Randomize
