we were having sex in the bathroom when his aunt knocked on the door
and rather than go out and meet her, i climbed out the window. so now she thinks he was masturbating and moaning his own name in a really girly voice
Everyone just saw your hickey on TV and on the jumbotron at the hockey game.
Thanks dad.
What. The. Fuck. No, you will not spank me.
That wasn't intended for you, my bad.
and all i could think about was how mcdonalds would not be open anymore after we were done having sex
Easy for you to say! His first impression of you isn't the drunk girl in a turtle costume who got hit by a car!
she's using motion activated glade air fresheners as some sort of early warning system
You know that joke about taking tylenol pm and jerking off? you don't always win. sometimes you wake up in the morning naked lubed up cock in hand to the realator and would be perspective buyers laughing at you
When the question of, do you know who's ass has been on the cake you are eating is said... Good or bad party?
Oh my god did you actually lose a tooth
Agreed then we'll really be on our A game tomorrow. And by A I mean alcohol.
I slept through 4/20 and my roommates bought an entire ham that's just sitting in the fridge...
Yeah, I got home from work at like 9:30, and he was passed out on the couch wearing only a tee shirt and The Jurassic Park theme on repeat.
I fell into the fireplace. That is a pretty good sign to stop drinking fireball
i am craving dick and cupcakes
I don't need tinder boy anymore but I do need free sushi
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