Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
just had to take a 4 hour nap to write a one page paper. its obviously the week after winter break.
Apparently I'm the guy that didn't get the memo that Afliction and wifebeaters were the proper attire for tonight... so I'll just sit here alone in my sweatervest and be judged.
he just told me he'd rather go to the pirates game. i know it was desperate but i said id give him roadhead if he let me come along.
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
So I have a scar from when the stripper tore off my underwear .... Best birthday ever
I just don't understand how we smoked the EXACT same thing and I feel fine but Tim's over here serenading his fifth bowl of fruit loops with Elton John's entire discography.
"Stranger danger aquaman" were the last words i remember. help me.
She got drunk on the air plane and pretended to be an elephant for an hour...Atleast the kid behind us enjoyed it.
I wanna fuck that hideous moustache right off your face. get the confetti ready for the festivities
Woke up this morning with Nerf Bullets stuck to everything in my house and nut in my belly button. What exactly happened last night?
He was licking my ear while recommending that I shop at IKEA. I think he's my perfect guy.
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
He thought reverse cowgirl meant he dressed up as a cowgirl. Honestly, it was more creepy than funny
I've never sung with balls in my mouth
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