i stopped calling them hangovers and started calling mornings a long time ago.
Some random slut told me I was a good dancer then gave me a handjob. I felt like fucking John Travolta.
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
I don't want to hear about you making out with a high schooler. I just had the best sex of my life. My face and arms went numb in the middle of it.
Bad Decision October is in full swing. I was telling people that "I put on eye makeup today, I'm takin' a dude home with me!".
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
Today I learned that when you lick a mans butthole, you get wined and dined at a nice french restaurant.
Pretty sure at some point last night i said to myself "it'll be fun to completely lose my mind for a night"
I was gonna jerk off, but then I thought about that movie last night and it killed that idea. I have serious boner trauma.
tinder day one and i already had more guys message me about "the girl with the big tits in my second picture" than about me. MY 17 YEAR OLD SISTER CAN GET LAID WITHOUT EVEN HAVING TO MAKING A PROFILE
to be fair she does have a great rack
We told the cop that we were playing soccer, in flip flops, and 2:30 in the morning. It was raining and i had board shorts on. He bought it, lets go get drunk
I have to close one eye, because I don't wanna see two movies, I only want to see one.
You threw a beachball full of vodka at me and yelled I CHOOSE YOU then ran
I will bring Jesus to court if he punishes me for that
Next time I think it’s a good idea to hook up with any of your wife’s family members or friends just kick me in my dick
Randomize
