i just put a booger in my mom's hair and i just needed to tell someone.
His sister just told me that she thinks i'm a stupid bitch and that by going thru with this I'm ruining his life.
sounds like a hell of a rehearsal dinner
Please don't die.. At a gay bar... On a Wednesday. Obituaries are not allowed to be that entertaining.
she called for a booty call so i sent mike as my stunt double
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
Just saw you drinking out of a flask on national tv. I've never been more proud of you
This summer isn't about fun. We have to train our livers to survive the next four years.
No. I heard a cover of "my heart will go on". This is not sanity.
He stumbled into my room, flopped on my bed, shoes on my pillow and asked me for a juice box. Then fell asleep with the juice box on his forehead.
Yeah. Just jump him. Naked. Claim his dick for yourself.
All's fair in love and war. and tinder.
Is it okay to thank someone for the orgasms they gave you, even though they weren't with you?
I DONT KNOW HOW I'M NOT DEAD, JESUS CHRIST ON A DOUBLE DECKER FUCKING KEANU REEVES BUS
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
Nothing personal but yes I would be suspicious If I saw 3 guys and 2 girls in the same bathroom stall together
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