i just practiced my bj skills on a banana in front of the mirror
its going to be a good night
What the hell did I do to get youtube to recommend a video for me called "how to increase your chances of getting pregnant"?
This guy in a neck brace is ordering bottle service at the strip club. Not sure whether to applaud his commitment or scorn his addiction. It's a draw.
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
It's amazing how not interested in talking to him I am since I've decided that he probably has chlamydia.
There was enough sluts here for 2 threesomes to happen at the same time, and you still struck out. What did you do to piss off karma so much?
This day sucks. I just wanna play ostrich and bury my head in your boobs.
I fucked some frat guy. Then I found my brother after and made him take his shirt off and then I made him tell me he loves me
I hooked up with Spider-Man on the hood of Santas car. I kept saying that he could shoot his web at me. Also I found Waldo. Overall good night.
So far I've taken two naps, went out and bought a pizza called the Hipster, and in 15 min I'm gonna make a snow angel. Conquering Snowlandia. How bout you?
That awkward moment when your boyfriend tries to have sex with his go pro on #hdporn
Being sober is no fun. Karaoke and not wearing pants are not socially acceptable things to do anymore and this depresses me.
I noticed while having sex on Friday that I have great endurance. CrossFit works.
I'm SO high. And there is so much pudding in this car
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
Randomize
