Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
I wish that vaginas would just grow when you're ready for sex. Like when you dont need your vagina its not there, but when you need it...BAM its there. then no one would see it when you get drunk
yeah...or you could just stop doing cartwheels in skirts
I just woke up wearing the O-ring from my dildo harness as a bracelet. Classy.
We woke up, fucked twice, she drank 3 warm heinekins to cure her hangover and said "Im glad you're still hott when im sober"
Idk. Each time I ask him about double teaming a woman with Dennis Rodman he just giggles. We will never know what to believe.
sooo I am sorta kinda using your name as my stripper stage name.
Can we please get through at least one night out when you DON'T threaten to have sex with one of my parents?!?!
Sleeping in a car was not on my list of plans for the night.
you showed up at my door at 3am, handed me a bag of cold chicken nuggets and said "lead me to the non-irish Siobhans," do YOU think you were tripping?
Nothing says I love you as your fiancé bringing back home your drunk brother from his own stag party
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
I hope I didn’t eat too many edibles just now. I got shit to do today. Like make Jell-O shots and take a shower.
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
Now the fun stuff starts.
Someone is losing a finger.
Its nights like last night that make me want to high five my liver.
Randomize
