I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
I hope you shit your pants in a socially devastating situation.
So I've officially decided that I AM that drunken mistake that girls hate themselves for in the morning.
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
I can't cum and do my makeup at the same time.
Honestly, I don't care whether it was a guy or a girl. Best blowjob ever.
She definitely pulled a diaper out of her purse and cleaned up the vodka with it, where do you meet these people?!
...he tried to burn down someone's house once. ABORT ABORT ABORT
My father is flirting with a transexual server at hamburger mary's. We can never tell him.
I've been called an asshole for a lot of things in my life, but I never thought it would be because of potatoes
I'm not sure. I have to find the Greeks I was with last night and see if they can explain to me why I can't hear out of my right ear and why I look like I got the shit kicked out of me
Her handjob consisted of slapping me in the balls. I am never hooking up with her ever again ever.
Party bus got out of hand. Some guy pissed himself. Later, he couldn't find his house keys, so he kicked the back door in.
Naw dude theres seriously a lobster in my sock drawer. Why?
He was out clubbing with his SON. WHY did you let me KISS HIM? Also WHERE WAS HIS SON?!
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