Bad news: I had to be at work at 7:15. Good news: no one had used the bathroom yet so I got to defile a freshly cleaned stall
OMFG, I'm seriously about to get fairly unpolite with this guy.
Wow. I bet he's shakin' in his boots.
The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
Have you ever looked at the 750mL bottle of wine on the seat next to you knowing that it's just not going to be enough?
Each and every day.
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
Maid of honor is brides sister and single. Likes lemondrops. You're welcome.
Woke up next to my bed in a pile of skittles, sleeping on a pair of sweatpants. I can't believe the girl didn't stick around..
Lesbians are nicde people they do not take debit cards
I'm just high and in my robe and I would suck a dick for some pizza rolls. I can't talk about your problems right now
I hear sloppy seconds go great with fried rice
You've fucked so many I should get a word bank when you make me guess these things.
Hold on - sidebar. My best friend just threw a 40 pack of condoms through my window.
All I remember is that I was trying to call my wolf pack by howling.
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
But then our conversations are like black box recordings. Just the stuff you hear when the plane is going down
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