Just got kicked out of the ocean for being "unsafe".
It's like having an annoying little brother who wants to have sex with you
I told her the white crusty stuff on my boxers was frosting not cum. She seemed MORE grossed out then
you were crying because peter frampton wasnt your dad
I'm cheering for the colts this year. I basically have to since my fake says i'm from indianapolis
we need 14,000 post its to execute this plan
I suppose drinking a cosmo at lunch alone can't look good but I mean... sometimes it's just necessary
Using that mug my little cousin painted for me as an ashtray for my weed...at least next time he asks me if I'm using it I can say yes
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
Rather than admit to myself he's hooking up with her right now, I choose to believe that he's not responding because he's masturbating to my picture, distraught over his poor choice, and trying to forget about the one that got away with a heavy dose of meth.
Today is definitely a "stand over the toilet and pee through the opening at the bottom of my boxers" kind of day.
I guess the silver lining is that having a big dick really comes in handy when you're hungover.
It's a mixed blessing.
So, in keeping with the last two years, are we going to watch the new Hobbit movie on acid again? It's kinda starting to feel like a Christmas tradition.
I'm all about clean living these days
You started your day with fried chicken and a bloody
... after you woke up in your own urine
i ordered what the bartender said was called a pink cock, and kept saying it tastes like a disney princess. thats how my 21st bday went
oh what is to come when my single life starts with a threesome?
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