I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
He saw my tits then looked up and yelled thank you jesus as loud as he could
my voice of reason is faarrr too drunk for me to listen.
I don't think a check that has "thx for the drugs" on the note is really gonna fly.
Listen, this was just a tiny lapse of judgement.
I'm pretty sure that's not a synonym for pregnancy.
Sorry you had to see that, but on the bright side...at least I trust you enough to have sex in front of you
he was like the dessert in the all you can eat man buffet that has become my life.
You know, there is no convenient place for your beer when you are on shrooms taking a shower.
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
Let's just say after this weekend I'm known as Shameous the Irish bar fighter.
How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?
I like her because we want the same things out of life AND she actually wants to have sex with me.
Still drunk, heading to class.
It's 3 a.m. Dude
Doesn't mean I'm not at my desk. Ill wait.
I think the night went to shit after he started sweating and crying about a taco he dropped on the ground 3 years ago. No more blind dates
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