My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
Since when does wearing a condom and going down on me make someone a gentlemen?
you never realize your highschool teachers are real people till you fuck one of them
I woke up pulling sunflower seeds out of my vagina. That kind of night.
This titty bar has wifi. I just did FaceTime stage side
can we get together and have a vodka water gun fight? i need to get som intense excersise/alcohol
He gets a blow job; I get my oil changed free of charge. And that way I only see him every 2500 miles.
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
She kept pulling joints out of her bra and asking strangers for birthday hugs.
I just shit a hot coal. Pretty sure it's that fireball shot from yesterday.
Nothing quite like walking through a spider web on your way back in from smoking to fuck up a perfectly good high.
Please tell me you're not playing strip poker with your cousins again
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
It will be too late. I will have fornicated with the enemy by then.
I love it when strippers help me get other strippers numbers.
Randomize
