be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
He offered me a 30 pack if I don't bring her to the party. Am I a bad friend If I take his offer?
just passed out again, this time at a subway. On a positive not they gave me a free sandwich, pretty sure out pity but at this point i don't care
you were sat in the corner crying until someone gave you a baguette, which you then tried to feed to the duck doorstop.
I regret nothing
It hits you later. Like when you wake up on the floor under a puzzle later.
Fuck going to see The Hunger Games tonight. The only thing I'm hungry for is some dick. Let's go to the bar.
we were hooking up and then he goes "you can touch my penis" and i laughed too hard to do anything. no second date.
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
We used a snorkel as a funnel. Can you say desperate?
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
Let's stay in this weekend and play drinking games to the Winter Olympics.
As long as we can drink anytime we see a stray dog, mafia looking Russian or double toilet.
Please tell me I was just dreaming when I asked if I could borrow your jesus dildo
Dealing with people is so much easier after you've had an orgasm or 4.
You started singing Baby Shark, screamed you have no idea how it goes, then somehow turned the beat into Bohemian Rhapsody
Randomize
