were with a gay guy with a minnesota accent. think about how funny that sounds.
ya and he came three minutes into it because he didnt have sex all summer
oh that makes more sense i knew you arent that good
Being a girl sucks.
Being a boyfriend sucks for about a week, too
I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
I incognito puked under the VIP table. Did Jersey proud.
I have just two goals for this NYE. 1) get so drunk that every guy looks like Clive Owen 2) make out with as many Clive's as possible.
please come home... she's showing me videos of spanish parrots and is telling me about her dead cousin...
Yeah he got kind of mad when he found out he had chased his last two shots with a combination of orange soda, water, and used mouth wash.
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
Come to Des Moines on Saturday, handcuff yourself to me and drink a bottle of vodka
So when's a good time this week to show up at your apartment in nothing but a trench coat and a bow? Y'know. Hypothetically.
Shroomed with my best friend'a dad at his wife's surprise birthday party so you can say I have experience in the field
He's going to find out eventually, but really what's he going to do? Cry about it and buy another fucking kitten??
can I cover your dick in cookie butter?
I'm drunk listening and crying to Selena. How's your Monday?
Randomize
