Going to eat lunch. Bunch of people in church clothes, and we are hungover, wearing pajamas, and in real danger of puking on the floor. We're about to destroy the ambience of this joint.
What's the point of being healthy if people still don't want to fuck you?
when you wake up try not to move. we are betting to see if more sprinkles stuck to you or the pong table.
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
Dude, they're still mid-coitus. Pretty sure running in to high five my roommate mid-thrust is a mood-breaker.
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
spending my first valentines day single in 3 years blazed and eating heart shaped brownies i bought myself. WHO NEEDS A MAN.
I lied. Can't workout today. Only exercises I'm currently capable of doing are breathing ones to keep last night's drinks ending up all over the classroom.
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
We duck taped Dave to a rolling chair and shoved him in the bed of the truck then took off for a bit.. We didn't explain it that way when the nurse asked what happened though.
i refuse to sex anyone who doesn't get my lord of the rings references. no exceptions.
If it involves notarization or the Misfits, I am up to date. Anything else, I know fuck-all.
My Easter dress smells like alcohol, men, and bad decisions
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
Also I literally googled "how to fold socks" so that's how my day is going. How's yours?
Randomize
