the guy working at the drive-thru just asked me if i wanna bang after he gets off work tonight.
given your current drought situation, im genuinely curious to know what your answer was
i told him maybe and gave him my number. sad? probably. but even if the sex is bad maybe i'll get a free burger out of it
Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
If someone cant be won over with guacomole and tequila they are not worth your time.
I thought short asians scared me, however seeing my first tall asian I'm terrified.
remind me in the morning to get the random kid out of the closet and to clean the pudding off the wall
Worst bachelorette party. She got smashed and cried because she thinks she might have herpes from when she cheated on him. Not looking good for them.
You did a jig for the bouncer when you saw him. Just reminding you.
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
Stoned in some guys basement listening to ELO. it's like its 1978.
Dude, she doesn't even live here... She just can't eat all our food and masturbate on my dog's couch...
I don't remember much from my 21st, but my mom said I insisted on the fat guy taking body shots off me
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
Straight up last night my mom was like josh you need to find a job that doesn't include the selling or transporting of drugs
I am cleaning melted cheese out of my hair. This is a new experience for me
Flight got cancelled. Stayed in the same hotel as the flight crew so now I can cross Sex with Pilot off the bucket list
He regularly flies into DC, so I’m going to sign him up for my Frequent Flyer program!
Randomize
