I will come over but only if I don't have to take my sunglasses off for it
I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
Buying weed on Christmas. Gotta love Jewish drug dealers
she thought the capital of kansas was topanga.
I told them I was gay and asked them to pass the pie. I ruined pumpkin pie for grandpa.
The guys had to come into the bar bathroom and pep talk us all off the floor
I just realized I'm trading you a pregnancy test for the morning after pill...
It's been a bad semester.
don't say the first was when I crawled under into the dressing room
Road trip to buy me a baby zebra..are you in or are you in?
If we can't get laid at a bar crawl, we should just quit life.
We fed him just...so many bright colored crayons when he was blacked out. I hope he looks at his shits because this could be all for nothing
I'd feel bad about being drunk at the Christmas service, except for the fact that I've already had sex in this church, so this is just small change.
I need thought I would ever have to use the phrase "Don't fart on that Calzone".. Thanks for that
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
Thanks for loaning me your shower and panties. My hubby is awesome, but I shouldn’t go home commando, smelling like lube and sperm again
Randomize
