I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
omg he said he wants to insert his penis into my vagnia what do i say
tell him to stop quoting family guy
I am looking at the epitome of fake boobs right now
dude, that chick is coming to see me and stay for 2 nights. I'm hitting the 3rd in the trifecta of friends.
You're one hell of a depraved bastard dude, I'm borderline speechless. You officially win.
They all have matching tattoos so they're all official bffs. I love my life.
Let's get back to talking about you giving me a blow job.
Jenna and Ryan are ranting and raving about child custody. MY VASECTOMY SMILES.
My drunken abilities have only improved since college....I can navigate the streets of chicago like no ones business, do push-ups to hail a taxi and instantly become an mma fighter after 3 shots of hennessy
I was looking threw the photos on my phone. There is 8 different ones of us peeing on things.
Shroomed with my best friend'a dad at his wife's surprise birthday party so you can say I have experience in the field
Oh wow and I have a bunch of portable wine glasses called to go coffee cups
When I finally came to, I was in the DJ booth wearing his headphones while he was spinning. That's all I got.
My apartment looks like the apocalypse of sobriety.
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
last night i was way too drunk and i was forcing people to let me tell them about mammals
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
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