I just googled the nutrition facts for a mcgriddle and yet I still want to go to mcdonalds
i got pulled over in my 'cops love me' tshirt. he didn't think it was funny when i pointed it out.
something must definitely be wrong with me if i'm chasing after a guy who cant even get it up
i'm sitting in the second floor bathroom drinking coronas in the shower. do not find me.
Someone is gonna learn how to start an IV in the morning
it's a gatorade, cheez its, and regret kind of morning....
Brilliant thought; pill pong.
What could go wrong?
True but, who really needs money in europe? Just barter with sexual favors. A bowl of cereal is worth a blowjob.
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
I think my sunburn makes my ass look bigger
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
I think the cashier could tell I was sad. All I bought was penis shaped food and chocolate
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
Okay so I've been talking to the mice again and they agree with me that you're a piece of shit.
Randomize
