I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
My grandma just told me that she sharted, no I am not having fun in El Paso.
I'm challenging a 70 yr old alcoholic woman who is half my size tonight. Wish me luck
Wtf. I just got invited to a threeway bj session in the bathroom at boiler. Lmao
Admit it. It's a brilliant plan with hundreds of possible repercutions.
Understatement of the year.
I told him he could fuck me once he could grow a beard. Never expected seeing him ten years later with a goatee and a great memory...
I know it basically makes me the worst feminist ever, but I don't want to kill my own spiders. And I will pay my personal spider hit man with sammiches and unlimited , uninhibited access to my vagina.
if you fuck our toilet off the wall again, i'm going to be so mad.
Two dicks, one me.
Yoga's definitely paying off.
In my dream I had to eat so many peanut butter and Nutella sandwiches
No, I'm not a weirdo, I keep bondage straps under my matress like a normal person, not a diary.
Do me a favor and scream dirty things at him in a polite sexy, come hither way
It took like and hour to get him in me and then he came in like 2min. Size aint everything
I think the cashier at 7/11 might be planning an intervention for me.
Randomize
