Note left in log book: "4:30am a guy was caught masturbating in the bathroom and passed out in his own juices and we had to take the door off the hinges."
You guys are open that late?
I kind of wish I was already fat. So I could eat all I want and not worry about getting fat. Cause I'd already be at that point.
Dubbing lion king over planet earth. That stoned.
How sad is it that I'm looking in the farm & garden section of craigslist to find a weed dealer. I mean, that's where they'd be right? Just gotta break the code.
Apparently I made a stripper cry last night when I paid her $10 to go away
I invited you and you fucked me in the face with the penis of disappointment and shit.
yeah but think of how much more hungover we'd be if we didn't steal those cookies
He could stay over, if you'd just ask.
Yeah. What am I supposed to say? "Oh, my couch is occupied, but my vagina's not"
I was just the victim of a drive by judging in a horse and buggy.
The fuck? Where?
St. Mary's. Amish people. Too high for this.
I didnt finish. My brain kept playing the duck tales theme thru the entire blow job
I understand, but unless there is an intervention for me being planned, i DON NOT want to talk about my life choices
One does not fall in love, one falls flat on the their face after leaving a bar
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
so he found out i have him as "average size" in my phone. fair to say we arnt going to be dating anymore
I could be writing so much lesbian porn right now but noooooo!
Randomize
