Dude I'm telling you, conditioner is the best for jerking it in the shower. It feels great and afterwards everything is all smooth
your tears are not going to buy me drinks...
I'm in the line at the airport trying not to vomit on the person in front of me. Happy Tuesday.
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
ummm i just drove by ur house and ur passed out on the porch. please call me when u get this
I'm sorry I can't get drinks with you. I have to make sure my dad doesn't go to jail.
Things I learned last night: 1. Bacardi 151 is a one-way ticket to the toilet, 2. It is possible for a human being to turn into Mount Vesuvius
Big girls don't cry they get day drunk
Well, that now makes it the 4th girlfriend in a row to cheat on me. I don't even care anymore...I'll date a prostitute and not even worry.
I draw, I play three woodwind instruments, I press buttons for eight hours at work and Im studying to be a gynecologist... I guarantee I can make you squirt, babe.
He sent me a 2am email the just said "Ping". Nerdiest booty call ever.
Can't decide if it was more awkward buying sheets together or disposing of them afterwards
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
The worst thing about having to live at your parents again is the struggle to make up more excuses to cover up the booty calls.
I just dominated some guy while wearing your moms thong
Randomize
