I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
Did Kevin really put his bar tab under the name Hercules last night?
i love you. like a brother. a brother that i had sex with more than once.
Its only fair we share our golden vaginas with the world. It would be selfish if we didn't.
some guy just burried his vomit in the sand.
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
I am having the most awesome nonsexual conversation about my vagina right now
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
It's been awhile, you pregnant yet?
Stuck in the Minneapolis airport for 3 hours with an expense budget and a wine bar. This could get out of hand quickly.
He meowed while sucking on my nipple, it got even weirder when he said he was trying to moo.
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
Went upstairs to make PopTarts, found the door open. Shut it. Saw a grey thing. Opened the door, found a girl sleeping outside. What the fuck happened last nigh
I've never sung with balls in my mouth
Randomize
