I feel like if im whacking off more now that i have a gf than i did when i was single, somethings wrong.
My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
i have accomplished my summer goal of being able to relate to every taylor swift song
She says she'll teach me how to make her squirt tonight so yea, I'm bailing again. I'm not sayin sorry since you don't have a better offer.
Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
I love it. Like, more than my penis at the moment.
Im pretty sure that girl just said "Im taking you home even if your girlfriend has to come too." Why are we here again?
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
When and where the fuck did we get a beach ball??
I just really hate taking care of things... If I can't fill it with liquor I'm not sure what to do with it.
Just saw the mall santa roll by on a rascal scooter holding a chic-fil-a milkshake and stop to chat up trio of cute 20-somethings. New hero.
Dude you better come get your girl, she's sitting here eating a tub of pasta salad muttering to herself about gypsies.
It's my birthday weekend! I'm getting a Brazilian and he's going to fucking Arkansas. Where the fuck are his priorities?
And with one simple text you can separate the men from the boys...."it's that time of the month."
you told us the chicken was mocking you, then proceeded to explain that every time someone reads your mind you accidentally think of something sexual
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