Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
Any time before 12:00pm. Can go fuck itself.
Gym doesn't open till 11. I'm sure that of the other four people waiting in the lobby, I'm the only one still drunk and only going to the gym to shower.
it's a little hard to watch the basketball games with my family considering they keep cheering for the guy that i had a one night stand with...
he calls his bong barack obonga, commander in kief. i found where i belong.
She vajazzled her vag. It was as useless as putting earrings on chewbacca
You got a blow job by a girl whose nickname is "the terrible tooth"?! You are a brave man.
I asked if he wanted to sext and he just started sending me pictures of his beard.
STOP WHATEVER YOU ARE DOING AND GO OUTSIDE RIGHT NOW. THE MOON LOOKS LIKE CATWOMAN
had a dream that i inhaled my pet bird and started choking. Then I tried smoking from a bong and suddenly I smoked myself inside out. this is what happens when I don't smoke weed. my brain can't function!
We were taking body shots by lunch. I love college.
I feel like it should at least be like a "hey look I'm actually fine that I drunkenly gave you my virginity!" friend request.
Never in my life have I been so excited to nap as I am right now.
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
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