So I decided to put different foods on my dick to see which would feel the best
and??
Cake is only good when you eat it
cat food counts as protein by the way
There was a suspicious looking plate that suggests I may have eaten salad with gravy
I'm going to knit you a pair of furry handcuffs. And you said that knitting class was dumb.
i wish his balls had a scratch and sniff sticker elsewhere so i would know before i even went down there
She spilled some tequila on her hair somehow and I guess I felt bad for her, so I yelled "ROOMIES FOR LIFE" and dipped my hair in my tequila.
It was the textbook our-balls-touched-while-engaged-in-a-threesome-with-our-bosses-wife conversation.
It amazes and alarms me I'm not shocked to read that.
She was bending and I said "finally, about time". Wrong, she was tying her shoe. No blowjobs for me.
I just came inside of a Gatorade bottle. That hungover.
If you think eating a bowl of leftover stuffing and drinking champagne from the bottle in dirty sweats at 9am is sexy... Then yeah, I'm your girl.
tbh I think I just dated him for his dogs in the first place.
So, my eyeglasses somehow ended up in my nightstand drawer and they're covered in lube.
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
I told him I want him to read me my Miranda rights while he's fucking me. Act exactly like he does while he's on duty except with his dick out.
Why is there bacon in the couch?
Randomize
