I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
I just had someone call me out on a walk of shame via megaphone
I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
I am too high to leave where I am...And they are listening to Stained. This is my living hell.
you just used a box of cheese-its to get into the bar
right before he passed out he said "take care of your tender spirit"
I love you, but you should know I'll always ditch you for weed.
All I remember from last night is petting the broom with my feet and feeling like I was standing on a horses head
A horseman, i repeat, a man on a horse downtown just told me i was gorgeous and my friends were not. Not drunk enough.
You tried to bite my nipple like 3 times
NAh son
Just general bites
I just told my mother my "if there are drugs I'm only taking them if I don't have to pay" rule and witnessed her perception of my shatter and crumble behind her eyes.
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
We got to the hospital and the girls who caused the accident had already added you on facebook.
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
Randomize
