I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
The drugs are starting to wear off. Suddenly aware there's a girl with bald patches and 2 guys that don't have a full set of teeth between them.
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
I'll be a little late, "getting ready for the party" turned into "smoking a bowl and doing lines in my room for an hour and a half." But I'm on my way now. With coke. And weed.
My Pizza Lunchables won't fit in the fridge because of all your alcohol. One of our addictions has to give.
Leaving someone plastered on a corner at 3am telling them to just scream for cock is NOT being a good wingman.
pregamed for the floor meeting. so stoned. i keep thinking my RA is shrinking.
Stop making Mac and cheese and sit on his face. FINISH HIM
I can dream in two languages, but it's still about ripping a bong.
So I put a beer on your bed and jumped on th3 other side of the bed like in the commercials. You my good sir, owe me a budweiser that your bed drank.
just found the "let's take a picture before we do these roommates" before picture
thank god there was never an after picture.
You almost lost your european virginity to a Peruvian man waering a do-rag in a port-a-potty.
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