Did you hallucinate the same white buffalo that I did last night.
No, but I did see you shaking hands with a homeless man.
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
easter eggs filled with ecstasy. it's what jesus would do.
I told him we couldn't have sex because I was ovulating and "I come from fertile people."
He thinks MY vagina is tight. That's saying something.
All I remember is doing a naked tuck and roll of your bed.
Oh god the guy I took underwear from at the bar is trying to add me as a friend on facebook now.
Saw my boss's vagina at that party. Hung over at work has never been more acceptable
Sometimes I think I have so much sex with you to be sure you're actually straight.
sometimes u just have to say fuck it and help a straight sixteen year old break into her uncles gay bar.
I'm working on finding a bottomless situation. Both pants and mimosas.
Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out
I had sex in an engineering office last night. So that could be your life. I was mounted on top of a sketch of a future parking lot for a maintenance building. If that's not romantic, idk what is
I walked into your room and you were wearing party beads, a foam finger, and reading the dictionary. Good night?
Randomize
