He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
I was high enough to think that mac-n-cheese w/ ketchup, tortilla chips w/ ketchup, and milk was a fancy dinner
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
Jessi just used the excuse "it's not you it's me" to get out of getting a lap dance.
Is it ironic that the girl with the horse face is also on the equestrian team?
No Robbie is the name of a kid or dog, not an adult man who's fucking you.
I drunkenly took 3 laxatives last night since I felt fat.... this is going to be a rough morning
If you hear a sad honk in the wind it is me.
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
I just used crown royal bags as pot holders...
He was my first. He knew. He knew right there I was wrapped around his penis.
Post breakup Disney World may be my best idea ever! Tinkerbell just grabbed my dick and gave me a kiss! This really is the happiest place on earth!
FYI the blow job was for papa johns pizza
I regret 8000% nothing
Everyone should just give me a copy of their keys. I take your dog out and I bring beer.
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