its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
you may be an alcoholic when your drug dealer calls to yell at you for drinking too
took acid and went on safebus. all the lights were off except the adds. swear to god it was a submarine
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
it's like her boobs came off with her bra
party gras won. party gras always wins.
You thought last year was bad... a guy dressed as a clown showed up with cocaine
Yes he was puking but in the only light of the whole parking lot and he was resting in the patch of clovers and he just was a garden fairy
I deserve a fucking award for best roommate. I just cleaned his room, so he can have a 3 some
Im calling you paparazzi cause of all the dick pics you take of your one night stands ps loved the panoramic one!
Fucking holidays. How do I have this many men who want to fuck me and none of them are available when I'm ready to blow my top?
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
I'm sorry for getting drunk and throwing a robo-bird at you.
going on fb and having 11 notifications all from you is absolutely horrifying
Dilemma. I'm out of wine and I can't put on clothes to go to the liquor store bc I just got spray tanned. If this isnt white girl problems I don't know what is.
Randomize
