I just used Master P to describe what sound the letter U makes to my daughter...
you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
as veruca salt said, "i want it now!"
uhh im not your indulgent father, stoned and im in the middle of making tacos. right now, tacos win
Stop. You don't mean that. Tequila might mean that. But you don't mean that.
Until he has ordered mozzarella sticks & beers at 2pm while wearing formal attire, then this is still my bar.
my ex just saw me in his brothers bed. fuck yes revenge feels good
I no longer question where these bruises come from... between the strip pole in the living room, the slipnslide in the hallway and our constant level of intoxication I will always be bruised...
i think we should start charging the bum that sleeps on our porch rent..
Someone was asleep on the couch next to us and woke up. We paused and he yelled "gentlemen, behold! Sex!"
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
I GOT MY PERIOD THIS IS A GLORIOUS DAY I AM TOTALLY GOING TO MAKE PIES TO CELEBRATE THAT THERE ARE NO REPUBLICANS IN MY UTERUS!
When you put my balls in your mouth i just want to buy you expensive gifts...you know what i mean?
jesus, I think that canada gold metal game has completely changed all rules of acceptable drinking habits, I was fucked untill noon and I just got invited to go party when I get off work...at 600am...and NO ONE understood why i was hesitant
I'm not breaking up with him because his husky is having puppies.
MY DAD KEEPS LIKING PORN LINKS/ALBUMS ON FACEBOOK AND THEY ALL SHOW UP IN MY NEWSFEED
Randomize
