My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
I got a bikini wax for the first time today and I think I now understand feminism.
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
No. More. Tequila. Even the hot dog guy felt bad for me and you know that guy has seen some crazy shit.
Guess who was PASSED OUT ON A BMW. I shit you not
Stop it right now
This time face forward
I just found a contact in my phone named "Sam 'it Won't Fit' Wilson". No clue when or where it came from....
And I must've sleep walked to the fridge cause when I woke up, there I was, balls deep in a fudge pop.
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
I think she tried to suffocate me with her tits...she almost succeeded.
I woke up uncovered, spread eagled to my dad saying "you really need to stop sleeping naked."
Can we start referring to attractive men as "A fine piece of dick?"
So I realize somewhere between mildly irritated and outright belligerently pissed is where you are, but as to location, where are you?
I may have been bent over an elementary school lunch table a few weeks ago. Don't judge.
Randomize
