Soap is not a condiment
There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
apparently red wine has the total opposite effect that whiskey does on his dick
She is my favorite of all the girls you have fucked. Other than me.
you dont publicly announce someones alcholism over facebook. you dont out someone like that.
k so who do I think I'm kidding applying to culinary school? I just fucked up a microwaveable pizza
Just passed on a threesome. I'm too old for that kind of morning after.
FYI angry masturbation is not as cool angry sex
I literally might walk of shame home on a cable car. If that doesn't scream San Francisco I don't know what does
eggs and jello shots do not qualify as 'brunch'
Your girlfriend is in jail- I've just never been able to use that in a sentence before. Thank you both!
I'm so tired of waking up with my bed full of deli meats.
I just bought a blender and 120 pizza rolls. Bring tequila.
Hi, I put a dog in your house, I hope it's yours.
Say thank you and give him a blowjob.
Randomize
